Networking events for IT professionals. Award winning blog series. Weekly podcast. Meet. Read. Listen. By @echodave, @bobwaltenspiel

Voicemail Guy

3

“If I show up at your door, chances are you did something to bring me there.” – Martin Blank

As of late, I have seen the stupidest $20 classes ever, “$20 to learn Foursquare”, “Twitter your way to millions”, “Join Facebooks and get LEEEEDS!”…

…but where are the voicemail classes? Yes, I am talking to you Mr. 14 minute voicemail leaver. You. Because honest to God, in this day and age, we could really use one…

So we are going to keep this simple folks, here are the don’ts:

– I know you stepped out of the office. I know you are away from your desk. I know you will call me at your earliest convenience. I know to leave my name, number and why I called. I know. SO STOP TELLING ME ALREADY.

– When you call me…leave me your name, number and why you called, because honestly, I don’t want to wait 5 minutes to get your number, I will just call you back when I can…honest, I will. And to think I am going to listen to that 5 minute rambling and then call you and have it repeated to me? Just thinking about it now just shot my blood pressure up 10pts.

– Oh, and when you leave a long-ass rambling message…DON’T rattle off your phone number at a rate of speed comparable only to bullets and dragsters right at the very end.

– When you leave a voicemail…from your cell phone…and then leaving a message that says nothing more than “call me”.  Jackass, I saw that you called, you know god damned well and good that I have caller id on my phone, and so what’s the god damned point other than to piss me off by making me go into my voice mail to handle your dumbass 3.8 second message to get the damned “new voice mail” indicator to shut off??  If you REALLY feel the need…since we’re both on cells…just shoot me a damned text message that says “hey, call when you have a minute”…because that’s what NOT LEAVING A MESSAGE SAYS TO ME ANYWAY, JERK!

– My voicemail recording is not that long.  It’s not.  It’s my name.  And yet you REALLY expect me to believe that in that 3.9 seconds someone came up and started some vitally important conversation with you that the first MINUTE of your message in my voicemail winds up becoming…which means I’m forced to listen to you debate lunch locations with your coworker, or some other trivial bit of crap that either could have waited…or if it WAS that important, hang up.  Again, I have caller ID.  I will see that you called.  Or if not, call back when you can actually leave a coherent message….because I will now never call you back just out of sheer spite.

– SPEAK. CLEARLY AND CONCISELY.  Do not “mumble-mouth” into your phone.  Do not try to shout over background noise.  Text messaging.  Email.  They’re there.  Use them.

– Related: Do not stand in a windtunnel on your $3 bargain bin bluetooth earpiece and try to leave me a message.

So now save your $20 people, I will tell you right now the new rules of voicemail.

  1. When I call you…your voicemail greeting should be your name and that’s it. You don’t even need your company name, because if I am calling you…I KNOW WHO YOU WORK FOR…Example: “You have reached the voicemail box of…BEN DOVER” <end>
  2. When you leave me a voicemail, it should be, “Hi Bob, this is Joe from Joe’s Technology company, my number is 555-1212, please call me to set up a time to have a cup of coffee and to talk about the Michigan market…” <end>

That’s it. That wasn’t so hard, now was it? Now take your $20 you saved and go have a drink…

Until next time…

3 Comments
  1. Paul Oliver says

    Bob, that was hilarious, and I do agree with you! It started to remind me of Mr. Stress! “Now go sit down, have a Marlboro and a cup of coffee, and try to relax”

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