“Lighten up Francis…” – Sgt. Hulka
**Note: There will be words in here that might offend you. If anything I write here “hits home”, it’s probably because it is you. If you get easily offended, I suggest going to this site right now, because if you come to me crying about something in here, I’m going to publicly mock you about it. Those are the rules.
Okay, then let’s go.
Notice this isn’t titled “Don’t Be That Guy”?
That’s right, I didn’t want to offend anyone out there who things that “guy” is a sexist term.
Notice how I censored myself into putting (Bad word) in the title instead of what I wanted to write (Asshole) because I didn’t want to offend someone by calling them a body part they all have?
The reason I write this is that someone actually told me right before we were to speak in front of 75 executives on “The 10 Commandments of Networking” that “Guy” was an offensive term and that we should re-think our phrasing.
My response: “Really? Yea…no…”
And here we are. I then reflected back and looked around and noticed that more people are whining everyday (and getting attention) because something “offends” them. People get “up in arms” because of a word. Letters in succession. Really? That’s all it takes these days? You are so insecure with yourself that one word just ruins your day? Really? Everything has to be catered to you? And if it doesn’t, then no one can have fun? Is this where we are in society these days?
So let’s start with some of my favorites, shall we?
*Halloween – Don’t laugh, but last year, I was elected as the President of the Auburn Elementary PTO. This pretty much enlightened me into the world of “Uptight suburbanite housewife” with more time on her hands than she knows what to do with.
At the inaugural meeting, I bring up the idea of having a “Halloween Dance” so the kids can dress up, thinking it will be a lot of fun for them. Silly me.
Mom #1: “Well, I am very religious and I do not allow my children to practice this Pagan ritual.”
Me: “Ok, you don’t have to go.”
Mom #2: “Well, we are atheists and we do not want to celebrate anything to do with Halloween because it originated as “All Souls Day” and we don’t believe in souls…”
Me: “Ok, you don’t have to go either…”
Again, something that was supposed to be “fun” for children has turned into a “Who is offended more?” battle between housewives. Really? No wonder why the kids of the world are so uptight.
So now the Principal is in a conundrum, does she call it a “Halloween Dance” and piss off 2 parents and hold her ground, or does she call it a “Fall Family Dance” and piss off no one, but neuter the event. (Guess which won?)
If these people just took life as it is instead of always trying to put a round peg into a square hole, they might actually enjoy themselves, go figure. (Oh, and for the record, get over yourselves).
*Beaners – This is my favorite local story. A coffee chain decides to call it’s store “Beaners” after coffee beans. Well, they learned from a Latino defamation league (or something) that “Beaner” is a disparaging word toward Mexicans, they caved, and changed the name to Biggby.
This brings me to something I have been thinking about for years, and we’ve talked about before – The Cracker Barrel Conundrum. Something I must do. I think we are ready for the press releases denouncing that the restaurant chain “Cracker Barrel” is offensive to white people. It has to be done.
(See how ridiculous it looks now?)
*Ohio University – What a giant group of whiny attention whores. They are against dressing up in anything culturally motivated (Mexican guy, hood rat, white trash, etc.). I mean, I am 100% German, and if I see some dude in Lederhosen or some hot chick in a St. Pauli dress, I mean, I’m gonna be like so offended and stuff!
I am going to warn you right now girls, don’t you dare wear something like this, or I’m going to write a press release on how offended I am!
*Terry Foster – I just read a blog from Terry Foster (from 97.1FM) who I listen to everyday and like very much as a sports analyst. Well, he goes on about how white people call him the n-word and black people call him “Uncle Tom”, etc. for dating a Caucasian woman, basically saying racism comes from all sides. While I think I understand where Terry is coming from, I completely don’t understand why it bothers him what strangers say.
Let’s break this down. I am 100% German. You can call me a nazi, you can call me a kraut, a square head, you can call me fat, you can call me a honkey, cracker…hell, you can call me just about anything you want…does it bother me? God no. I know who I am and if calling me a name makes you feel better about yourself, well, then you have bigger problems than I thought…
It’s 3rd grade all over again. Once someone knows your weakness, they will exploit it for their own psychological gain. Nothing more, nothing less. If I know that calling you “Skippy” turns you into an enraged psycho, guess what I am going to call you for the rest of your life? It’s human nature.
So what can we say anymore? Indians don’t like being called Indians. Polish people don’t like Pollocks. Dwarfs don’t like to be called midgets. Italians don’t like wop. Jewish people don’t like to be called jew. But at the end of the day, why does anyone care about a word a stranger says?
*Muslims offended that there are crosses at a Catholic University – This is what sparked it all. Right here. Honest to God, this is the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back (do I have to apologize to anyone with a camel for that? what about hunchbacks? can I still even say “hunchback”?) and forced me to write this.
And I repeat:
Muslims claim that a Catholic University violated their human rights because there are crosses everywhere.
I don’t even know where to start on this one. It mocks itself rather nicely.
*Swear words – This one makes no sense to me. Never has, never will. Society has deemed certain words to be bad, but if you change a letter, it’s now OK.
Why can we say poop, but not shit?
Butthole, but not asshole?
Ass is OK if we are reading the bible, but not if you call someone an ass.
Gay is OK if you are singing the Flintstones song, but not if you are referring to a bad TV show.
You can say freakin’, but not fucking.
You can say bizatch, but not bitch.
Who makes this rule anyway? Why do we feel the need to follow these rules? Because some uptight suburbanite housewife feels the need to run her mouth because she has nothing else going on in her life besides General Hospital? Honest to God…
With that I will say it one last time…
…and Don’t Be That Person.
Until next time…
Make sure you check out our other Don’t Be That Guy entries…